I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
