does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
