They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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