I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
