Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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