just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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