I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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