I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
