she woke up with a sticky ear
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
