4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
