my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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