We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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