Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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