and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
