8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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