Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
