just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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