Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
