i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
