my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
