We won't sleep together?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
