I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
