i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Congratulations! We have a period
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
