i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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