i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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