im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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