Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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