She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
