The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
