my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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