I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
