I don't usually arrange sex via text message
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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