This is not my ceiling
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
