Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
