I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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