my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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