Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
