Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
