Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
