the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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