i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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