god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
