We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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