I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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