I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
