i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
