the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
