God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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