i love accidental penises.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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