I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
