never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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