I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
